User blog:Joeaikman/Recapping in Rap - Chapter 6 - Star Wars
I've got a bad feeling about this... How can it possibly go wrong! What follows is a recap of the hit sci-fi series Star Wars in a rap format. It goes from Episode I onwards because fuck people who watch the original trilogy first. Fuck you hard. I hope you enjoy this as much as you can enjoy anything with Hayden Christensen associated to it. Anakin Skywalker is written in light blue, Darth Vader in red, Palpatine/Sidious in dark red, Han Solo in brown, Princess Leia in purple, Boba Fett in dark green, Admiral Ackbar in orange, Obi Wan Kenobi in lighter green, and FN-2199 in grey. '-' There’s War in the Stars! Trade laws are the reason Obi Wan Kenobi fights droids with Qui Gon Neeson Jedi land on Naboo! Then droids make them run-run Make it to the planet capital with help from the Gungans Crash land on Tattooine! Neeson’s Jedi mind tricks fail Ani frees himself! Vader? Yeah, but later in the tale For now, they head back to Naboo! Padme is the Queen Now this is podracing! Naboo gets saved by a tween Battle with Maul! He’s a badass Sith bearing scars He shanks Neeson in the chest! Then gets split in half... Jar Jar is named general! Palpatine gets promoted Anakin flirts with Padme! Qui Gon Jin gets roasted - Attack of the Clones! All the characters have aged a lot Obi Wan trails an assassin, but then the girl gets shot Traces attacker to Apple Store! Obi Wan gets bombed on On Naboo, Ani bombs too! His side is more like a rom-com Obi tracks Jango Fett to a planet covered in factories Ani and Padme join him too! Then Dooku captures the three Chain them up! Monsters released! The Jedi intervene Jango loses his head to Mace! C-3PO comedy routine Fight Dooku on the planet! He’s the big bad villain Yoda jumps into the battle! Dooku runs from the building Then he meets up with his master! Dark Side approaching Anakin and Padme get hitched! Well, that isn’t foreboding '-' Revenge of the Sith! Dooku fight! Palpatine gets devious Dooku decapitated! So the plot requires General Grievous Anakin has bad dreams! He sees Padme dead! Why?!? Talk with Palp! Can I learn this power? Not from a Jedi! Obi-Wan confronts the General! He shoots him in the chest Palpatine kills Mace Windu! Nobody cares about the rest Yoda’s alive, though! He confronts the newest Emperor Anakin on lava planet! Padme’s here! He never sent for her Choke his wife! Jedi are evil! I hate you! End the fighting! I swear, the worst thing about these movies! Shitty script writing Padme gives birth to twins! The medical droids can’t save her Palp saves Ani from the flames, and he creates Darth Vader - Anthology time! Jyn Urso has a team of nameless drones Wisecracking droid, blind monk, and an Imperial for a foe Get the Death Star plans! Tarkin stops them? Well, he tried Plans get out! They all die! That mission was suicide '-' Luke is alone! He stares into the distance and mopes Get the plans from R2! Obi Wan is Leia’s only hope Journey back to his farm, to find his uncle got burned Travel to Mos Eisley! Han Solo goes ahead and shoots first! Flying through stars! No moons! Jump aboard space station Rescue the Princess, and Solo feels like this is babe station Kenobi confronts Vader! Meets his end against a sabre Luke cries! Leia doesn’t, even though Alderaan is now vapours Wooded planet! The Rebel Alliance prepares their attack Computer fails! Vader flies in, but Han’s got Luke’s back Use the Force, Luke! Bomb flies down the chute! Hooray Then Luke and Han get rewarded with a motherfucking parade - It’s all cool for the rebels, until the Empire launches an invasion Han and crew head to Bespin! Not before Luke and Leia relations Lando’s a smooth customer! He’s a massive hit with the ladies The party gets ruined by a bounty hunter joined by Darth Vadie Luke on Dagobah! He’s trying to get past his Yoda training Sees visions in the forest! Then sees his friends need saving Boba has Solo for himself! Gonna freeze him? That blows Then we get an epic kiss moment! Han, I love you! I know! Luke arrives just in time! He goes and confronts the Darth Backflips and shit! Sabres fly around! There’s so many sparks Luke has his limb removed! Man, this movie just gets harsher You fucking killed my daddy! No, Luke, I am your father! Back on Tattooine! Leia taken prisoner by Jabba the Hutt Luke saves them all, though! Sarlacc has Boba for lunch Fly off to Dagobah! Master Yoda passes on more knowledge Then passes on! Kenobi explains why Luke x Leia is awkward Another Death Star! Han unites with teddies on the attack Then the Rebels move in properly! Oh no! It’s a trap! Luke talks with his father! The Emperor comes into the game Lightning fingers leave Luke on the floor, writhing in pain Anakin reaches a decision on Dark or Light for his fate Emperor tossed! Helmet removed to reveal Vader’s face Death Star goes kaboom! Luke escapes! Vader roasts The Galaxy is saved! Mentors watch on as force ghosts Sandy planet! That’s new? Not Tattooine, this is Jakku Rey meets Finn here! Then they head for discount Naboo Poe gets taken prisoner, but plans saved by discount R2 Falcon flying! Han crying! Everybody looking for Luke Kylo is the new villain! He betrayed the light side for Snoke Planets destroyed! In’t that a Death Star- Erm… Nope? Rey gets a sabre! Traitor! Rey then gets taken away Unlock the force to do mind tricks on 00 Daniel Craig Poe leads attack on station! He drops bombs with low blows Falcon drops from hyperspace! Rey escapes! Kylo kills Solo Kylo and Rey fight it out! Chewie helps them get away Leia cries for her hubby! Luke is finally found by Rey Category:Blog posts